ARTICLE: TTC Trying to (stay) calm

 

By Nikita Fredericks

 

Infertility is generally defined as not falling pregnant, despite having carefully timed, unprotected sex for a year. My husband and I  have been trying to conceive (TTC) for seven months now, after our second miscarriage in August 2017.

It’s been seven months of hoping, tracking, timing, taking my temperature, consultations with my doctors, medication that makes me feel sick and slightly loopy, weight gain despite healthier eating habits, and the possibility that I may have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). This is not good news.

Apart from the fact that TTC tends to take over so much of my thoughts, emotional energy and physical health, it can take its toll on something else, a marriage.

Sometimes it’s easy to forget that there are two of us who are TTC, two of us who are struggling emotionally, two of us who are yearning to see those two little blue lines that will change our lives forever.

We always seem to forget the husband in these situations. I suppose it’s because society expects them to be the strong, stoic type. Or perhaps it’s because we feel they didn’t actually feel the physical pain, but that’s absolutely not true. I know, that each time we lost a baby, my husband was feeling the emotional pain as much as I was. The fact that he was unable to help me was probably the most helpless he has ever felt.

I don’t think I’ll ever forget the examination room, after the doctor confirmed that our baby was gone. But the memory that is seared into my mind is the pain in my husband’s eyes. Obviously, I felt like it was my fault. I had lost our baby. But he never for a moment had the same thought. To him, our baby had died, and it was no one’s fault, especially not mine.

Honestly, I married an incredible man. He is in touch with his emotions, he knows how to confront and process them. He is mindful of his reactions to situations and how they reflect past issues. He is constantly trying to be a better man, regardless of the fact that I think he’s the best man.

Our relationship has always been very strong because from the very beginning, we learned that we must be a team. It’s us against the world, not boy vs girl. We joined a group of other couples in a cell group, and nearly every week for the last five years, we’ve discussed and overcome those normal marital issues which arise. All of this, and our love and commitment to God, has given us the most beautiful gift: every struggle is shared, and halved.

Often during this process of TTC, I’ve had moments of feeling alone, but they disappear as soon as he’s around. I’ve felt misunderstood, but never by him. I mean, we fight. Every time he can’t remember where he put the car keys or when he doesn’t do what he said he would do, or he breaks something unintentionally, I legitimately want to kick his face. Really. And thanks to the fertility boosting medication, I’ve been having fun mood swings. So there are times when his breathing will have me wanting to put a pillow over his face.

I guess I have so little patience for the little annoyances that come with living with another person, because I’m using alllllll of my patience on waiting for our baby to be conceived. So, we bicker. Sometimes in front of other people. It’s not something I’m happy about, and we are working on it. These little fights last probably five or ten minutes, and we never stay upset for longer than thirty minutes.

I know that the reason for these little fights are that we are both less patient, more tired, more stressed.

TTC can take everything from a couple, and often it breaks them apart completely. They become disappointed in each other, and they focus so much on getting the child that they lose sight of each other.

I thank God that that is not our story at all.

While we may have little fights, we are closer as a couple, and our marriage is stronger than ever. We aren’t torn apart, we simply have a new enemy to fight: infertility. And we face it together. As a team. Because no matter what happens, we are partners in absolutely everything, even through the pain and struggle of TTC.

 

 

*To read more blogs by Nikita and her husband, Alvin, click here ❤

4 thoughts on “ARTICLE: TTC Trying to (stay) calm

  1. Liz says:

    Thank you for this post. I am at my ultimate low this week. We are TTC, I have 4th stage endometriosis, PCOS, Anaemia, low hb count and obviously low blood pressure because of all of this. We have lost 3 babies now. We have 1 beautiful daughter before marriage and we fell preg in 2014 only to lose him at 24weeks, then in January lost our baby girl at 21weeks and this week another baby. Always praying for that two stripes but then praying to atleast carry to 26weeks, it never happens. I’ve been so angry at God for so long as if once was enough emotional torture, then twice and now again. My husband is very supportive and all the faults lie within me. I so hope one day I can give him a baby. And yes I totally agree with you that men also go through grief, this weekend my husband just asked me to be with his friends he needs to let go of things and I know how he feels. The endo eats me up alive inside as it has caused all my losses, but hey I have beautiful 8 year old I should be grateful for although she longs for a little sibling. I am actually quite sad for her and my hubby’s part. I don’t feel womenly enough anymore, I can’t even do the one thing a women is meant to do – reproduce. Really hate this. Anyway sending lots of pregodust your way.

    Liked by 1 person

    • mypurpleheart says:

      Liz,
      I am truly sorry for your losses, and I pray that you will find peace and healing through this time. I know that there are no words that help. I know that feeling of failure and of being not enough of a woman. That is not true though.
      I’m starting to finally understand that this is not my fault, and it’s not yours either. Whatever the outcome of my story may be, it’s going to be ok. Eventually. I pray that you will be able to see God coming through in your story.
      Sending love and prayers.

      Like

  2. Witbooi Mom says:

    I am at my work desk and just read this blog, I would like to applaud you on being courageous enough to share your story. My husband and I have been TTC for the past 5 years, After years of having no answers to my re occurring UTI and kidney infections coupled with painful period cramps, I have now been diagnosed with Renal failure, Endometriosis and all the anemic and iron and other deficiency that goes long with it.We are blessed enough to have a 7 year old son and even though we are great full, We feel we have so much love to still give and dealing with this daily is challenging, The love of my husband and the grace of GOD has truly been my shield.

    Reading about child abuse, abandoned babies and mothers that neglect there kids breaks my heart, So I applause all of the moms that is aware how blessed they are to be called MOM no matter what the genesis of that blessing is.

    Like

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